"I now have a boyfriend, yes, I have several boyfriends, but I won't be washing anyone's underwear ever again in my life," "I love falling in love, but I'm no longer anyone's servant," "I only see boyfriends and close friends on Sundays, the rest of the days I'm too busy," this is how the Ladies who have achieved liberation speak.
Most of them fell into the trap of romantic love in their youth, and after raising their children, working tirelessly throughout their lives, they become widowed or divorced, and start a new chapter in their lives. I see them so liberated and they are so clear about it: men are just for enjoyment. No sharing a home: they meet them for going to the cinema, to demonstrations, to museums, for walks in the countryside. They enjoy their sessions of sex and love, they read together, listen to music together, learn and practice ballroom dances, attend literary gatherings, do sports, or escape for a few days to explore new places, but their lives do not revolve around them.
I hear these Ladies speak, and it gives me a boost. I look at them and admire them: they enjoy their retirement and savings, they enjoy their friends, grandchildren, and granddaughters, they take classes in a thousand things, they travel, attend concerts and theater, or even perform themselves, they are engaged in women's groups and social movements, they make new friends, take great care of themselves and each other, and they're happier than ever. Finally, they have time for themselves, to pursue their passions, and men are not the center of their existence, just one affection among many in a network of multiple affections.
These are Ladies over 65 who have liberated themselves from the romantic myth: they experienced the excitement, faced disappointments, and now they have no time to waste. They want to spend the remaining years of their lives well, to live without suffering, sacrifices, or enduring, and without giving up everything they gave up during 30 or 40 years of their lives. They want to enjoy, and they know what they want and what they don't. I wish we all had such clarity.
When I wrote the book "Owner of My Love," I thought of them and how we could tell young girls about everything that comes after the romantic wedding, so they don't have to go through the same thing and can love freely. I realized that the formula of these Ladies is the best... the most realistic and practical one. They live so happily, enjoying their freedom, money, energy, and time, free from their traditional roles, autonomous and empowered.
Men are better as lovers: they in their homes, we in ours. It's all advantages: love doesn't deteriorate with cohabitation, there's no abusive or dominating relationships, you have much more free time, you think more about yourself and your pleasure, you have time to miss your guy and feel eager to see him, and when you do get together, you make the most of the present and live it intensely. Both of you feel free, both have your own spaces and times, and there's no accumulation of resentment from daily fights or domestic exploitation, because everyone takes care of their own things.
When men cease to be at the center of your life, you emerge, and wonderful people who love and care for you do too, and your networks of affection multiply. It's then that you realize that love is everywhere, and the partner is just one more of your relationships.
You in your home, me in mine: that's how it's easier to love each other well and enjoy sex and love, within a network of wonderful people, and a partner who doesn't occupy all of the space or time, the two greatest treasures of the Ladies who no longer suffer for love.
The big question women in their thirties ask me is: how can we have children with men without living with them? I tell them about the Mosuo, a tribe in Nepal where women don't live with men: they share a bed at night with their loved ones, but during the day, they share caregiving responsibilities and are organized to work and raise children. So, when a romantic relationship ends, they experience the pain of loss, but they don't crumble because their lives remain unchanged. They continue to live in a network of affection and mutual support: for them, not having a partner doesn't mean being alone.
And for the Ladies, neither does it. If what we want is to suffer less and enjoy love more, my proposal is that we turn our loved ones into our lovers, at least until we stop falling for the romantic hoax and until they learn to relate to free and independent women. We've been working on dismantling patriarchy for years, but we can't sit around waiting for them to start. For now, they don't need to.
If we can't have companionate love relationships with them, if we can't build egalitarian partnerships based on mutual care, then it's better to be practical and engage with men only for fun and enjoyment. For sharing life, we can create a different type of family, with our loved ones, with our networks of women.
And what would happen to men if we refuse to create a happy home and family with them? I believe it would also be very positive for them. They would have to learn to take care of themselves and others, becoming more independent. Initially, it would be difficult for them to give up having a free personal assistant, and it would be challenging for them to learn to relate to free women. They would feel like dethroned kings, but they could gather among themselves to discuss their feelings and seek solace.
Undoubtedly, they would feel disoriented as they no longer occupy the center of women's lives and are not needed for anything, but over time, they would start working on dismantling patriarchal norms to have partners and to enjoy being fathers to the extent they wish. Since they wouldn't have millions of women eager and needy for love at their disposal, they would finally need to make changes to adapt to the new times. Perhaps then, they could engage in self-critique, both personally and collectively, but that's not within our control.
We can only work on our liberation process to become emotionally and economically autonomous, to support and care for each other, and to build relationships with men based on freedom, not need or dependency.
Can you imagine the enormous political and economic changes that would be unleashed by this transformation of our relationships?
Coral Herrera Gómez
Original en español: Los hombres, mejor como amantes