Yesterday you asked me what it means to stop mothering an adult man, and how to achieve it.
The first thing is to make two things clear: one, that care in a relationship should be mutual.
Two, that what you need is a partner, not a grown-up child.
How to achieve it?
First, explain to him that to be independent, he needs to learn to take care of himself, his relationships, and his home.
Second, negotiate to establish cohabitation agreements and to divide up caregiving tasks and day-to-day logistics.
Men can learn to cook, keep their home tidy and clean, do laundry and put it away, make a grocery list, go grocery shopping, and prepare meals.
Men can handle household finances, go to the doctor on their own initiative, keep track of household accounts, care for plants and a garden if you have one.
They can learn to plan leisure activities, organize trips as a couple or a family, check the weather, and pack for trips.
They can attend school meetings, participate in activities that require parents' involvement, keep track of check-ups for children and pets, be aware of social and family events, and participate in organization as a functional adult (birthdays, surgeries and illnesses, weddings and divorces, births and funerals, and other important moments).
They can learn to create costumes for special occasions, take kids to their friends' birthdays, socialize with other parents on their own.
They can take care of children's clothes, pass on clothes that no longer fit to others, and organize the ones you receive.
Remember, achieving a more equal distribution of responsibilities and roles in a relationship requires open communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness to work together as partners.
He can change diapers, wipe runny noses, clean up vomit, monitor fevers at night, give bottles, handle school enrollment and all kinds of administrative tasks, help his sons and daughters with their homework.
He can learn to do deep cleaning in the home, organize the storage room, go to the bank for errands, buy tickets to go to the theater or cinema, switch out summer clothes for winter clothes.
He can tend to and heal wounds, plan weekly menus, sit down and have intimate conversations with teenagers about sex, emotions, and feelings, emotionally support friends and family members during difficult moments in their lives, accompany and care for them when they're sick. They can spend nights in hospitals with their relatives and friends if needed, be attentive to medication.
All men can take care of themselves and seek help from their loved ones or professionals when they don't feel well.
If in your relationship you're the one handling everything while he plays video games or entertains himself with his phone, if you don't have free time and he does, if you feel like his servant because he can't do anything, he's treating you as if you were a devoted and dedicated mother.
Many women do this because we believe they don't know how to do it properly, but also because we think that way they will value us more and need us.
Beware of ego: we like to feel important and indispensable, and we believe they'll be so grateful that they'll never leave us. But they do.
Mothering a man as if he were a teenager creates a relationship of mutual dependence.
Let's not forget that we are all replaceable: there are millions of women eager to take care of men who don't take care of themselves and don't care for them. We've been taught to give "without asking for anything in return," and to believe that we were born to serve.
What does the radical change I propose consist of?
It's simply about taking care of yourself and prioritizing your rest and enjoyment. It's about your partner committing to working as a team and taking on their responsibilities as a functional adult, working deeply on their sexism and everything that needs to be worked on to learn to love you, treat you, and behave as a partner.
If you have their cooperation to make the radical change you both need, great. If they work on themselves to become self-reliant and behave as an adult, and as a partner, great. If they learn to communicate to express their emotions and needs, fantastic. If they learn to negotiate to reach agreements and share tasks, that's great too.
If not, you'll have to make the necessary decisions to take care of yourself and stop relating to them as if they were a dependent being.
Remember that you can't change your partner, they can only change themselves, and any change has to come from their own initiative. We've always tried to educate and guide men, but none of them evolve if they don't need to.
Remember that a partner is not a child, and that care in a relationship between adults should always be mutual. And if it's not mutual, it's emotional and domestic exploitation.
Remember that you have the right to have free time and to rest, and to live in equal conditions with the men you relate to.
Coral Herrera Gómez